Because Crack Just Can't Explain This
by Redfaerie
Summary: An extremely random crack-fic in which Ritsuka has a lobster thrown at him, gets chased by blue jays, Kio is perhaps the most ADD person alive, Yayoi is his drug dealer, which explains so much, and the city has a random cornfield...is that a pinata!


** Hello All! I am proud to say that this is my first attempt at Loveless fanfiction. It's an extremely random thing me and my friend wrote really late one night. I have some more serious ones in the works, written by me and me alone, but hopefully you will enjoy this one until then (and hell, even after then. This isn't going anywhere.)**

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Chapter 1

Misaki raised the toaster high above her head. "WHY WON'T YOU EAT THE TOAST!!!? MY RITSUKA LOVED TOAST!!! DIE DEMON SPAWN!!! "

_WTF _Ritsuka thought as he dodged the flying kitchen appliance. _The hell is this bitch doing? I ate the damn toast!!!_

He ducked to avoid a projectile carrot peeler (lest he be peeled to death) and, grabbing his backpack, jumped out the window that was 2 feet away from the door.. _It adds dramatic effect_ he thought to himself.

He cast one last glance toward his house in time to see a whole main lobster fly through the open window. _Aaaw…he sighed. He'd been looking forwards to that…_

Jogging slightly, he hurried off down the street to school. He was half way there when behind him, he heard the feral cry of the wild blue jay. Looking back in horror he just barely dodged the attack bird. Circling around it gave an angry shriek. A cry for reinforcements!!

Sensing the danger Ritsuka started to dash towards the school! _God, could this day get any worse???_

As if God himself had decided just to smite him, 80 freaking blue jays rose out of the trees. (The trees way out on the horizon, that approached rapidly) With a horrified yet disbelieving expression on his face, he took off in a serpentine pattern down the middle of the street. _Shit man, what the hell???!!!_

"Get him in the ass Sally "he swore he heard a bird cry a second before one dive-bombed him.

_Great, I'm high! When did I take drugs? Did mom give me drugs? I know she gave me toast… Were the drugs on the…OH SHIT IS THAT A…_

BAM!!! A neon green Prius, that was innocently driving along, had a kid run smack dab in it. The driver freaked (He could have sworn that kid was in the other lane!) as both the child, and then 7 or so blue jays, bounced off his hood.

Completely spazzing out, the driver jumped from the car and scrambled over the the strange kid. He was lying in the street, about 30 crows fighting over who would eat something off his jacket. Upon closer inspection, he realized the were bread crumbs.

" Go away aviary menace! " he screeched proceeding to kick the ever loving crap out of random birds until they cleared away enough for him to grab the kid and haul him into the backseat of his car.

The birds (the surviving ones) squawked angrily from the hood and he could swear one said several unkind things about his mother and the Pillsbury dough boy. Shaking his head, he sped off towards the landfill.

_Great, another body to dispose of…_

He was halfway there when the kid groaned, his eyelids fluttering open. He almost crashed the car into a statue of Tite Kubo, in a nearby park, in an effort to twist his upper body into the backseat." YOU'RE NOT DEAD!!!?"

"No" Ritsuka replied, albeit a little too calmly, before surveying his surroundings. _Funny…I don't remember the sky moving…OH LOOK A CLOUD! I recognize that… wait… why am I in a car. Whose car is it? That weird blonde guy. Who is he?_

"Who are you?"

"Kio!" He smiled holding out his hand and driving with his left foot." Nice to meet you! I'm glad you're not dead, that would have been a law-suit waiting to happen!"

It kinda creeped Ritsuka out that he was smiling while he said this. He cast a wary glance at the man's hand and ignored it. He didn't know where it had been.

"Probably not actually" he replied, sitting up and putting on his seatbelt. This man's driving was hazardous enough (he swerved sharply to the right to avoid a small child) without the proper safety requirements. At least with them he might stand a snowball's chance of getting out of here alive.

Kio considered commenting on this, but was distracted by a kite. When he remembered that he was driving, however, he turned back to look at the road in time to avoid hitting the last small tree in the line of 4 that had at one time decorated an old lady's lawn. The lawn gnomes glared at him menacingly.

"Maybe" he replied, "but Soubi gets pissed when I hit people. He says it's a pain to help me hide the bodies, not to mention his constant cracks about me having ADD. Then there was that one time … OH LOOK A PINATA!… that he hid my license for a week."

Ritsuka could have mentioned many things about that last statement. He could have commented on the mention on multiple, if unintentional, murder, or perhaps that very obvious ADD that this man (Kio?) obviously suffered from. He even could have said something about the landfill being in the other direction or that there were no piñata's in sight. But no. All he got out of what he said was…

"You know Soubi?"

Kio gave him a startled look, the raised one eyebrow and let out a girlish shriek. "What the…I knew he liked the young but DAMN!!! "

Ritsuka shrugged, deciding to let him believe what he wanted; besides he had other things to worry about. Like perhaps the shooting pain consuming his left ribcage. Or the blood he was tasting in his mouth. Vaguely he wondered if it was internal injuries or if he bit his tongue._ Where the hell are we going???_

He voiced his question.

"We're following this really pretty butterfly!" he announced happily.

"What butter…" he stopped as he caught sight of a butterfly smashed upon the windshield. He didn't comment, but did wonder if he would survive jumping from the vehicle._ No….probably not…damn…_

"Um…okay…so where is the pretty butterfly taking us?"

"Oh, that's easy. You're hurt.'

"Okay…and?

"Aaaand, when you're hurt you go to your drug dealer's house! Duh!"

…Maybe he could survive the jump after all…

He didn't get the chance however because Kio chose that exact moment to veer off into a cornfield and start singing Its Raining Men!

Sighing, Ritsuka closed his eyes and thought of England.

"…Hallelujah! It's raining- OH WE'RE HERE!!! "

The car screeched to a halt making Ritsuka glad he'd decided to wear the seatbelt after all.

Looking out the window, he found himself in the back of an apartment building. _Why was there a corn field in the city???_

"Come on!" Kio exclaimed happily, leaping from the car. Merrily he skipped around to the back and opened the door." Come with me little boy! Um… what's your name again?"

He wondered if it was really safe to tell him his real name. Maybe an alias would be better… But then again, he did know Soubi…

Luckily for him Kio was momentarily distracted by a loud argument from one of the apartments where various kitchen appliances were flying from the window. A crystal bowl had caught the light as it fell to its doom and cast a very beautiful rainbow. By the time he remembered what was going on he had forgotten all about Ritsuka's name.

Ritsuka poked at his legs, trying to decide if he could walk. True, his ribs were sore as hell and bleeding slightly but it ought to be okay. Scooting over to the door he stepped out and was happily surprised when he didn't fall. He did, however, limp a little.

Kio noticed this and started to ask if he was okay, but then forgot what he was doing and continued on to his drug-dealer's apartment.

"Where are we going?" Ritsuka asked, confused, as Kio led him around the back to a fire escape." Do I have to climb that?"

"Sure" Kio replied, "It's not like I can go through the lobby."

Sighing in defeat, Ritsuka followed Kio up the fire escape.

"So…" Ritsuka started about 3 stories up," you do drug?"

He wasn't that surprised, a little relieved actually. At least that gave him and excuse. He couldn't even imagine if this was his brain not on drugs…

"Yeah, I love tacos!"

_Well that answered that_

Finally they reached what Ritsuka hoped was the drug-dealer's apartment. Kio knocked on the window 3 times and yelled "the cock crows at midnight."

_But it's 9:00 A.M…_

The window immediately opened and a hand came out to bitch-slap Kio.

"What have I told you about yelling? You want me to get busted yo?"

"No A Pimp Named Yayoi"

"IM NOT A PIMP DAWG! "

"Yayoi?" Ritsuka asked. Normally he would have been surprised but this day was just too weird.

"Ritsuka?!" He exclaimed, "Damn dawg, why you blowin' up this joint yo?

"… Foshizzle?"

"I LOVE THAT SONG! VANILLA ICE IS A GREAT RAPPER!!!" Kio exclaimed.

The arguing couple threw a radio at him.

Looking down to where Kio was lying unconscious on the fire escape, Yayoi ushered Ritsuka inside

"Who's gonna bring him inside?" Ritsuka asked, somewhat absentmindedly, as he followed Yayoi through the window.

"Not me yo"

As soon as they were inside Yayoi spun him around to face him.

"You're not gonna tell anyone about this, right homie?"

Ritsuka shrugged. "Okay."

"Cool." He walked over and dug through a drawer, before pulling out a small baggie," Want some free weed?"

"No thanks"

"No prob, no prob. We cool man right? We cool?"

"Sure." He cast a glance down at his leg. "Got a band-aid?"

"I've got a band-aid Ritsuka", came a voice from the window. Turning, the two boys saw a blonde haired man climbing in through the window. He was carrying Kio over his shoulder. Tossing Kio on the floor, he pulled a band-aid from his pocket and started to unwrap it as he walked towards Ritsuka.

Ritsuka backed away.

"Don't run away", he protested softly, "I just want to help you."

Ritsuka eyed him warily.

"What happened?" he asked.

_Well, my mom was trying to beat me with a toaster so I ran outside where half a million killer birds tried to kill me before I got hit by a car driven by an ADD drug addict… _Yeah. That was real believable.

"I tripped and fell"

Soubi looked him over." Where? Down a mineshaft?"

"No!" he denied, "down some stairs!"

"And they led to Yayoi's house?"

"No! They led to a cornfield!"

Soubi raised one eyebrow, but didn't comment. Instead, he advanced towards him again, band-aid out and ready. Ritsuka tried to back away, but ran into the wall.

"Stop fighting me Ritsuka. Just let me take care of you"

Yayoi sat down on his bed and stared ad them. He'd seen this man before, at school. He remembered Yuiko talking about him. She really liked him. What was his name? Soba? Sobe?

"Soubi!" Ritsuka squealed, as he tried to push the band-aid away.

So his name was Soubi.

Was Ritsuka gay? Well, that was okay he supposed as long as… wait. That meant he wouldn't be interested in Yuiko!

He was smiling to himself over this, looking semi-retarded, when he was struck with a horrifying thought! WHAT IF RITSUKA WAS BI?

He was dragged out of his thoughts by Ritsuka's cries of protest.

" No! Soubi! I don't want it, get off!"

He snapped his head around in time to see Soubi pinning Ritsuka to the floor in an effort to force the band-aid onto his elbow.

Just then the dulcet tones of Ashley Simpson blasted out of Kio's pants. All 3 of them stared, confused, before Soubi walked over and pulled Kio's phone from his pants pocket. He looked at the caller ID.

It was Yuiko…


End file.
